It is a ritual as time-honored among teens as promenade or drinking too a lot and crashing your parents’ Corolla into the window of a Mexican restaurant—glossy catalogs from schools arriving by the dozen just about every spring. Apart from the faint odor of kiwi bubblegum vape smoke, Woodmont College’s catalog, Welcome to Woodmont, is superficially not unlike the some others. But there is no college very like Woodmont College or university (no for a longer time “university” because of to a court docket get). And just about every site of its catalog is evidence of this uniqueness, irrespective of whether it is touting the college’s very low level of scorpion infestation or celebrating its faculty’s many facial tattoos. The best portion? You can get your individual duplicate of Welcome to Woodmont and master for on your own why U.S. News and World Report has hailed the school as “a singular academic working experience for younger persons exploring for neglect of the arts and aggression by townies.”
Comedy writers Mike Sacks and Jason Roeder are your guides to Woodmont College—its missteps, its glories, its unsupervised quicksand pits—and we’ll be sharing bonus material from this e-book all 7 days prolonged to assist herald its publication.
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A Woodmont College or university residence hall isn’t like any dwelling circumstance you have been a component of—a small like house, a little like summer months camp, a minor like a doomed submarine that has struck a mine and has started its final descent. That’s why you could be creating some incorrect assumptions about what you should really carry to campus. For example, you never require a microwave, as most Woodmont dwelling areas have at least just one radiation “hot spot” that lets you to prepare dinner a burrito merely by keeping it in the air. On the other hand, do pack a machete or reciprocating saw to slash as a result of the thick roots that often burst by means of our dorm-home floors.
Right here are some other goods for your Woodmont checklist:
With almost no soundproofing in Woodmont residence halls, you will want a very little cone of silence, specifically if you live right higher than one particular of Woodmont’s poultry-processing facilities.
Ninety-5 per cent of the wall place in your dorm home will be occupied by a series of irremovable portraits of founder Daniel Woodmont worriedly studying pamphlets about STIs. But you’ll still have 4 square inches to categorical you, which many students personalize with a corner of a neat poster or a slice of a loved ones photograph.
It is no urban legend. At Woodmont, not only do pupils whose roommates die in the course of the faculty calendar year obtain a 4. GPA, they are also awarded custody of the corpse to then sell back to the relatives. We suggest college students to never ever, ever be the 1st one to tumble asleep.
Truth of the matter be instructed, whilst condoms could be attained free at the Woodmont Wellness Center, most have been despatched to the higher education virtually thirty a long time ago as a promotional tie-in for the film Super Mario Bros.
Three-Mile Extension Wire
At present, the Woodmont Higher education microgrid offers only plenty of electrical power to electrical power the spinning teacup journey in the Office environment of the Chancellor. That implies you are going to require an additional-prolonged cord to operate from your dorm, down I-104 into town, and as a result of the again door of dive bar The Tipsy Scab, whose owner (Woodmont ’87) has graciously agreed to allow for Woodmont learners to use a single of its shops when the Elvira pinball equipment isn’t operating.
You do not want to see what you are sleeping on. Put the sheets on blindfolded or even though donning the darkest sun shades you possess.
The winters at Woodmont are punishing, and when you evacuate for a fireplace drill, it’s normally months right before a person remembers to let you back in.
Someone’s likely to whip one particular of these out and torture unquestionably everybody, so enable that torturer be you. We also provide your choice of 3 protest stickers: THIS GUITAR KILLS FASCISTS, THIS GUITAR KILLS SOCIALISTS, or THIS GUITAR KILLS INDISCRIMINATELY.
Most students desire the usefulness of their have machine, even though the Woodmont Pc Lab stays an choice for those who recognize that, owing to malware, they’ll be sharing their assignments with Iran.
The closest drugstore is 3 ferry rides away.
There are no ferries.
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